Selfish Need
by sincerelysnuffles
Summary: The worst things in my life happened one right after the other. The first, I was too young to remember. The second, was being transferred from Beauxbatons to Hogwarts during my third year and be sorted into the Ravenclaw House. And the third, was the bad luck of getting the horrific chance of meeting the Marauders. The punchline? I fall for the one that is most like me. Crap.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. All rights to the lovely and magnificent J.K. Rowling, who's the mastermind behind this fantastic story. I do, though, own _Genevieve Bernard_ and any other character created by me in this story. I own the plot and... that's it.**

**Rated:**** M for language, possible future violence, and adult themes. I'd go for MA for the whole language and theme thing, but oh well.**

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If anyone had ever told me that at this point of my life I were to hide between James Potter's cushions in front of his fireplace, I would've laughed in their faces and hexed their arses with some smart or sarcastic remark.

Maybe even both at once.

Twenty year old Eve, shooting a deadly glare at fire that had - compared to half of my acquaintances - absolutely nothing to do with my immature escape from the real world and the problems it brought with it. Problems that I knew I had to face.

The sooner the better? Hmph, yeah right.

James was kind enough to let me stay in his spare bedroom. I'd say Lily (seeing as she wasn't as horrified at the thought of a rarely active sexual life at her home) influenced James' final decision.

"Just as long as you leave my dignity alone by staying away from a broom," was his somewhat _threatening _choice of words. I had the decency not to laugh in his face right then, but Lily hadn't been able to contain herself.

It's funny how a girl like me - the moment you get to know me, you'll get my point - could be much faster and gracious in a broom than the child prodigy that James William Potter was. The face he made the day Sirius challenged me after a match won against my former House was something that happened once in a life time. And I'd been the one to pull that off.

Just the memory of it caused a smug grin to split my scowl in two.

But just as fast as it disappeared, it came back.

Sirius Orion Black.

Mostly known as a traitor in his family. Ironic, it was, that even with his so-called best friend he was the biggest bloody traitor there could ever be.

My scowl deepened and the fire before me was getting an intensified glare.

He was part of the reason my immaturity kicked in and I decided it was wisest to just hide with the newlyweds and risk my innocent perspective on the two. James had been so desperate to shag Lily that even now after the fiftieth time he would forget to silence their room and spare me the soundtrack of his wildest dreams as a troublemaker back at Hogwarts.

The symphony the two led every other night replayed in my head and caused an uncomfortable shiver to run up and down my spine.

I seriously started to consider staying somewhere outside of London. But, oh why would I bother? The reason I was with Potter in the first place was because it was the _very last_ one Remus bloody Lupin could think of me staying at.

I groaned out loud.

_Stop thinking about that wanker._

I scolded myself.

_He_ was the reason I was stuck in the situation I was in. Sirius had just been dragged along by his filthy claws.

And yes. I dared.

Not that he had really been forced into taking Remus' side on this, though.

To hell with those two! I just needed time to think. Time to figure out my next move to become completely invisible and undetectable on their radars. Those two were literally hawks. I couldn't go or stay anywhere without them tracking me down in a matter of minutes. Minutes! The nerve. And of course, there was no way I could stay over at my flat in the city. Especially not the one gifted by _Papa_. I was his beloved grandchild and the only one, as well.

If I stayed in either place, Remus could walk in any minute. The git had Sirius help him set some stupid wards.

The fact that he had a key and we shared both places didn't help my case either.

"Eve?" A gentle and careful voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I was brought back to the Potter's. "James and I are going out tonight. Are you sure you'll be alright here by yourself?" Lily's hesitation made my brows furrow, but my grip on my legs didn't loosen at all. I barely budged. But out of courtesy - the fact that she was letting me stay over also contributed - I nodded. Looking up to glance over my shoulder, I only cleared my doubts. She stood awkwardly by the staircase and was biting her lower lip in the only way she would whenever anxious or hiding something. I thought of asking what was nagging her, but before I could come up with something that didn't sound so hostile, she nodded in acknowledgment and flashed me a tight smile right before going back upstairs.

I'd bet all my money that James was waiting impatiently by their bedroom door for my response and reaction.

The two had been treating me like a porcelain doll ever since they found out what had broken me so deeply. I had to crawl over to their warm and open arms. I was not one to admit defeat so easily. I'm too proud. It's one of my biggest flaws, but definitely not the worst.

The worst would have to be being so goddamned trustful.

Especially with Remus fucking Lupin.

I sighed exasperatedly. Not only had James and Lily been treating me delicately, but the owls I'd receive from my brother and other friends were also odd. I had to ask them through Lily to send any letters they had for me through her.

Yes. Bloody Sirius had suggested he and Remus monitored the owls being sent my way.

_The nerve..._

I tried with all my will to push away the thoughts of those two. The reason I was intruding my two friends' extended honeymoon was because I wanted to _stop thinking_. About them, especifically. Instead of dwelling further into that, I concentrated on the soft and thick legwarmers against my fingertips. The grey fabric brought heat to my lower limbs the way I needed it too. See, I have this fucked up body that works in the strangest ways. I could, right this moment with the jean shorts and white tee shirt I have on, go out and play with the snow with feeling just a bit chilly. As long as my legs and ears are covered, I won't catch a thing or feel as cold as any other normal person would.

But that's the thing, isn't it? I am so far from normal that I have started to wonder as of late just how sane my parents are to have brought such abnormal offspring into the world. Surely, most of me must've come from them. The other half was just my own bad luck making appearances.

Because, obviously, my French Goddess of a mother and Greek God of a father just _couldn't _have anything wrong with their persona.

I was just a strange bit of the two.

And to any other person, that made me the luckiest bitch alive... Trust me. I am most definitely _not _lucky.

A bitch? Half of the Wizarding world would agree.

Speaking of perfect parents, those two sold themselves off completely to _The Fuckers_. I had gone to them desperately and just as I was descending the stairs that same day for dinner... Guess what face was sitting on the spot next to mine on the table?

I had never been so mad at _Mama_ and _Pa._ Those two had it. Oh, did they have it. I went ballistics right after seeing Remus with such annoyingly calm expression. One I had been foolish enough to fall for. I didn't even waste time on storming upstairs to fetch my things. They flew down with the flick of my wand and I apparated on the spot. Of course, he followed me as if on cue and I had to do it at least twice in a row on different places to lose my new tail.

I had been sold out by my parents as a favour to my boyfriend because he-

Hold up... _Ex-boyfriend._

Yes, that's right, I've reach that phase.

Although _Fucker Number One_ suits him best, now that I think of it...

"Gen, are you sure you don't need anything? Ice-cream, Butterbeer, firewhiskey, some chocolates..." James trailed off, bringing me back once again to his lovely living room in the middle of winter. I looked up at him silently and the corners of my lips rose slightly. I glanced at the kitchen, where Lily was fetching the house keys, and looked back at him.

"I know where your rum is, Potter. And stop acting as if I'm heartbroken-"

"You _are _heartbroken, Genevieve. That's why you're here."

I glared at him.

"_No, _I'm here because the psychotic stalker you call a friend is pursuing me when I very clearly told him I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him."

"If I'm not mistaken, your exact words were, 'fuck the hell off and get your filthy wolfy arse away from me, you imbecile fool'." James grinned down at me, his crossed arms pressed against the back of the couch and his hair covering his forehead as his head tilted to a side, studying me carefully. I couldn't hold back my small smile. "Your choices of words have always impressed me, love."

"If I were you, I'd re-stock my stash. I'm also a very thirsty woman, Jamesy."

"I wonder what would be of you if you were bitten by a vampire, Gen."

I smiled broadly at that. "Thank Merlin you're a fast runner."

He pressed his hand against his chest melodramatically. "You wouldn't dare!"

"I see you two are having fun," Lily walked in with her brown leather bag and her million galleon smile while we began laughing. James quickly stood up straight and smiled dreamily at her. I rolled my eyes while still smiling at them. "Are you sure you don't want to come or need anything?"

I could've sworn she casted a silencing charm on James with the look she gave him. He's never been s quick to snap his mouth shut.

"I'm alright. You children go out and have fun," I reassured them before looking down at the furry ball by the rug. "Pu- _Chester_ here will keep me company."

I looked up at Lily apologetically, but she simply sighed and headed out the door. James waited until she was out of earshot to let his laughter escape. He patted my back and leaned down to kiss the top of my head. "I knew it'd stick to you."

"It really isn't a nice name for a pet." I argued.

"Oh, I know," he grinned widely and took his coat. Just as he marched out the door, he winked at me and said, "Enjoy yourself."

Wanker.

Perverted and childish. That's exactly who James Potter is.

Especially when Lily turns her back to him.

I can't believe I ever decided to adopt him as my living brother. Same goes for Peter. That little shit didn't even bother to pick a side in this battle. Not that James chose mine, but he had no other choice since Lily had. With a heavy sigh, I stood up from the couch and stretched, feeling my spine fill with joy. I had been in the same position for hours now. Without thinking, my feet took me down the hall and to where James unused study was. The door creaked open and the wooden floors almost made me slide across the room with how clean they were. James rarely ever walked into that place. Lily was the only one to walk in and it was just to keep the house completely neat and tidy. The only time he did was whenever it got late at the Auror Office and he had to take the paperwork home. And barely even then. Lily was the one to help him with that. And now, with the two days I've been staying here, I was part of his group study.

I spotted the box tucked behind a few books in the middle of the furthest shelf. He was so predictable that I was surprised Lily hadn't noticed that one there.

"Come to momma..." I murmured softly as I took the Gin and smiled at it as though it we my new best friend. See, the thing with me and this specific beverage, compared to everyone else, is that I can somewhat think clearly and make decisions while drinking it. If by the time I wake up the next morning and still agree on my previously made decision, then that's that. I hid the box away again and walked out of the study and into the living room, where Chester was still stretching on his back. "What are you, a dog?"

I glared at it and opened the bottle without even glancing down. My manners were long gone. With one quick, long sip, I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, feeling the liquor rush down my throat and attack my poor organs. I was so going to regret this later.

_Sod off, conscience._

I plopped myself down in front of the couch and almost squished Chester with my right leg. The cat hissed at me and rolled onto its back once again beside me. I was tempted to spit some of the alcohol to its face, but knew that Lily would smell the stain on the rug the moment she walked through the door. Besides, my dignity wasn't _that _nonexistent.

Damn Remus Lupin. Damn his hypnotizing brown eyes and the way they see so many things I try in vain to hide from him when he looks at me so intently. People think brown eyes are boring and green eyes are amazing? He's the living contradiction of it. We both are. My eyes are weak and unattractive compared to his desiring and soothing chocolate orbs. I sighed and took another sip while resting the back of my head against the edge of the brown couch.

With or without him. That was my dilemma. I didn't know which I could do best, which I could handle to really live with.

With him? I admit there were more pros than cons. He was charming, thoughtful, loving... He actually gave a damn about me, treated me as though I was the centre of his universe, gave me all his love and trusted me without thinking it twice. He never, not once, doubted my intentions. He always stood up for me, always reminded me, even with the slightest of things, just how much I meant to him. And the things he did to me.

Oh, I could go on for centuries.

Even now as I closed my eyes, I could feel the way his breath would crash down against my throat, warm and gentle as he would tuck strands of my hair behind my ear. He'd always find an excuse to do that, because he knew exactly what that did to me. I could feel his fingertips lingering against my skin, his tender lips caress my hand... I could feel them against my lips still. Sighing, I took another sip and concentrated on the cons. Surely, there was a bad side to everything. But even in this situation, where the good was more, the awful was unbearable.

Quality over quantity.

He hid things from me, he lied to me constantly and would come up with the irritating excuse of trying to 'protect me'. _Screw him. _I don't need him protecting me. I can take care of myself better than anyone else. He's fucked me up more times with his lies than I could keep count of. All because of his bloody _protection_. And that was not even half of it.

I could handle his self-loathing and constant guilt. I understood that perfectly. But the wolf in him was pretty much the reason I was in the place I was in at the moment. Taking another swig, I noticed as I looked up at the transparent bottle that I had already drowned more than half of it. I kept the bottle next to me, moving it from side to side whenever Chester, thinking I was playing, jumped innocently trying to catch it. "James is already making you an alcoholic," I chuckled looking down at him as he meowed up at me and jumped up on my lap and crossed to my left side. "Lily won't be happy." The cat meowed louder when I brought to bottle to my lips again and chugged the quarter that was left of it. I placed it back down beside him with a small thud and Chester jumped to it, but hissed at me when he realized it was empty. I rolled my eyes and stood up, feeling the whole room swirl in front of me. I stumbled and stepped on the tip of Chester's tail.

"Fuck!" I screamed when the cat hissed and let out a loud sound while his tiny claws and teeth tried to sink into my skin. I almost kicked him but contained myself. "You're lucky I don't abuse of animals, you _pussy._"

My hand slapped my mouth and I began giggling as Chester glared up at me. Now I knew why James _really_ enjoyed calling him that. But just as quickly as it came, my giggling subsided and a sinking sensation spread through my heart. _Don't betray me now,_ I directed my thoughts to the liquid inside of me. Taking cautious steps, I walked back into James' study, walking out a moment after with another bottle. Chester almost cheered when he saw it.

I sat down again and opened it, taking a long swig and closing my eyes as I drank slowly and silently.

Well, Remus wasn't _that bad_ as a boyfriend. He was everything every girl could hope for and _so_ much more. But the things he's done to me – apart from the lying deal – are things I've forgiven and shouldn't have. There's a limit, though. And he reached it when...

I couldn't even bring myself to think about it.

The anger came rushing back to me and, along with it, sadness took over and I could feel the knot in my throat starting to tighten. How dare he do that to me? I wanted nothing more than to shoot a couple of Unforgivables his way. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I took another sip, drowning half the bottle already. I was not that good when it came to drinking. But when the purpose was to numb the pain, I was anything but reluctant to comply. Just as Lupin, it was a constant mistake that I made by choosing Gin.

The Intensifier.

At some point, I began sobbing and clutching Chester as the cat meowed away and struggled on my suffocating embrace. I was pathetic. Sitting in my best friends' living room, drinking their alcohol, hugging their cat and hiding away from my problems. If James was childish, I have no idea what word would best describe me. A cold chill ran up my bare thighs and arms and I shivered, letting go of Chester at once and not even turning my head to watch him bolt out of the room. "Fine! You're useless, anyway." I called after him and remained silent, waiting for a response that wouldn't come.

_He's a cat, what do you expect?_

I was starting to lose it. My eyes closed and I took the last of the Gin that was left and let it fall next to me. I'd have to clean that up later. But that was the least of my concerns at the moment. My lower lip began trembling and the sinking sensation in my chest intensified. My sobs echoed through the room and I pulled my legs close to me, holding onto them for dear life. My back arched and I pressed my temple against the couch, shaking as I cried away my misery.

As much as I wanted to admit it, I couldn't. If he hadn't done what he did, I would've chosen being with him in a heartbeat. Because being without Remus felt as though a crucial part of me was yanked out of my chest. It felt as if life made no sense, as if things didn't mean anything. I felt lost. Lost in grief as I mourned such strong love I once felt for him...

_Still feel._

I cursed myself internally. It was harder than I thought possible. But nothing lasted forever, and the pain was no exception. Our relationship was living proof of that. I have no idea what I could make up of Sirius' attitude and James and Lily's love, but in my world, in my life, nothing lasted. Nothing was perfect. It may seem like it was, but never, not once, have I ever had the pleasure of enjoying something without having to worry it would be torn out moments after. I lost him. And in the meantime, I lost my greatest love and any shred of hope I had left in me.

My long brown hair was stuck to my face due to the tears, and I was grateful it covered half of my it while the other half was pressed against the couch. I was so goddamn drunk I wasn't even startled when I felt a hand move my hair away and tuck it behind my ear. I was so drunk I hadn't noticed how I was now sitting on someone's lap, strong arms wrapped around my small self, hands moving up and down my back soothingly. I was so drunk I hadn't been able to recognize such a familiar and strong scent that had been printed into my heart years ago. I was so terribly _drunk_ I didn't protest when Remus pressed his lips against the top of my head.

"Go away," I found the strength to whisper with my hoarse tone. "Leave me alone..."

"You don't mean that." He whispered softly into my ear. Any other given time, I would've sighed happily and let him do the talking, letting myself get lost in the sound of his voice and into the sensation that his breath tickling the skin behind my ear brought me. But I was so far from being myself that I didn't even raise my eyes to look into his when his index finger tilted my chin up.

"You don't know me."

A deep chuckle escape him from the depths of his throat and that was what caused me to look up. He had changed so much. Changed into such an arrogant and selfish prick that instead of grinning sadly at me or remaining silent as he would've, he laughed. The Remus I knew and loved would've never done such mocking gesture. Seeing the look in my eyes, he stopped abruptly and looked at me seriously, breathing slowly as he took me in. He knew he was the one at fault.

"You look pale," he whispered, barely audible. The proximity helped with that. "Thin, even. You've never been this thin..."

"You don't know me." I kept on protesting stubbornly, my speech becoming slurred.

"And you don't drink... Yet you have been doing so."

"You don't know me!" I said a bit louder, my face hardening under his tender gaze. But my broken voice betrayed me. He paused for a moment, possibly calming himself down and finding the appropriate words before he let himself act. _I _knew him. Not the other way around...

"I know you better than you know yourself, Genevieve." He replied with a determined look in his eyes. I could feel his thumb running across the three freckles near the edge of my eyes, making me calm by the stroke. My eyelids fluttered but I fought against the urge of leaning into the touch, of falling asleep in his arms as I had done so many times before.

"Why won't you leave me alone?" I asked, snapping myself out of those tempting thoughts. "I want nothing to do with you, Remus."

"Do you enjoy hurting me?'' he tilted his head to a side, taking a better look at me. ''You've reminded me that so many times before it seems that way."

"Then why do you keep on chasing after me?" I raised my tone and slapped his hand away from my face. It was working as a distraction and I had to keep my feet on the ground. That was the least I could do while intoxicated.

He looked at me helplessly, his eyes searching deep into mine for some sort of emotion while I did the same with his. With one look, he could take me to places I have never been before, he could caress my soul and make me feel loved until I believed that I truly was the only one he wanted. He could make me so vulnerable under one gaze that I rarely ever had the time to notice that I had the very same effect on him.

"Because I am in love with you," he whispered with a slight shrug, as if explaining the simplest of things to me. As if it made perfect sense and I would understand. "And I _can't let you go_."

"Why?" I had the nerve to ask, causing his hand to reach back up to hold my cheek. He ran his thumb over the same spot again and I damned myself for leaning into it this time. His free hand reached up to my other cheek, holding me closer to him and pressing his forehead to mine. I got completely lost into those eyes as I was so used to now, and soon I felt my hands on his wrists, staring at him feeling weak, silently begging him to end his torture and let me go. I had to... I couldn't let myself hurt so badly. I couldn't let him do that to me.

"Because I need you."

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**A/N: Hey, there! This is my very first time trying a Remus fanfic, and I am _very_ excited about it. Hopefully, it'll turn out to be as good as I hope it is and you will all enjoy reading it as much as I will writing it! The next chapters will focus on their lives at Hogwarts and how they got to this point, so don't worry about it :) Even so, you will be seeing a lot of their lives outside of Hogwarts and even after this moment. Thank you for reading! R&R :D**


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